Surrender is a theme I have been circling in ever wider circles for the last 20 years.  I believe I first started noticing that the word had another meaning that did not equate ‘laying down and giving up’ in my early 30’s.  At least this is the best my 30 year old self could understand the word surrender, especially how it applied in my life.  It is safe to say that I entered adulthood sprinting away from words like surrender and humility as I identified them with weakness.  Instead I grabbed at words like independence and freedom, because these words meant strength and success.  It was mid crowning during the birth of my son that I had my first understanding of surrender as a source of power.  I had this moment of absolute clarity that if I let go and surrendered to the waves of pain with each contraction that I could ride those waves as a warrior.  But I had to absolutely without hesitation succumb to the waves and surrender.  Somehow in that moment I chose to surrender.  To this day my birthing memories are not of pain and struggle but empowerment and even joy. 

Through each phase of life I continue to meet surrender on a new playing field.  Surrender has so many shades and angles.  It has lured me in with the surface promise that if I stopped drinking I would feel better only to keep luring me deeper into the why of my drinking and showing me the hole in myself lacking spiritual purpose.  Only to again promise if I surrender to the belief of a higher power I can release the light that has always been inside me and heal. And if I truly surrender to the light within me then I can release attachments of like and dislike and navigate the world with equanimity.  (at least this is what I just read in Eknath Easwaran’s book Essence of the Bhagavad Gita.) Spirals of surrender forcing tight fists to unclench, locked parts of the heart to release and opening doors and windows we didn’t know were there. I had been associating surender with a forced (painful) letting go of something to get to the new goodstuff. Let’s be real, this is the form of most of my surrendering and I don’t anticipate that to suddenly go away.  I am far from facing life with total equanimity, however I do choose to chase the spiritual paths headed that direction!

This adventure has introduced me to a new kind of surrender.  Joyful surrender.  I am someone who likes a plan.  I prefer to know the rules.  I may not follow them, but I like to know where the boundaries are. I know from past traveling adventures that most plans will be adjusted so I plan on being flexible. India has shown me that even an attempt at a flexible plan is folly.  I may set out to do something like mail a package, for instance, and four hours later, 10 helpers, a video shoot for India Post and lots of not having any idea what’s happening, I walk away without my package and several new whatsapp friends. 

I am also someone who can be very attached to my stuff.  Typically the olympic event of mailing my package would have stressed me the F out!  I would be very worried about my precious things and the money I spent and would it ever reach its destination…actually I would have probably never ended up mailing it and just ran away crying. However, because I know surrender, something in me whispered to relax and enjoy the unknown.  Be grateful for so many helpers. SO many. Agree to the video shoot ad for India Post, even though it’s been hours in an airless tiny room and I am so sweaty I can feel rivulets running in places I have never sweat before while sitting still. Will my package be delivered?  Who knows! I’m fairly positive it will one day.  And I am ok with that. I surrendered to the process and kept humor at the forefront and that in and of itself feels like a win.

(Three helpers; one contemplating the validity of my US address, one taping every part of my box, another calculating shipping costs and online shopping.  There were more not pictured)

When I was leaving Indonesia and heading to India, one of my flights was late which of course caused havoc with all the other connecting flights to Mumbai.  Again, several hours, several dollars, lots of airline helpers, a missing hard copy of my Indian visa and so much surrender later…unexpected joy.  What would have been an airport nightmare was rerouted into a day and a half in Singapore with a special someone.  Joyful surrender.  I let humor, patience and surrender lead the way.  I could not have planned a sweeter, unexpected interlude to my very well planned trip.  There was also the goodbye surrender.  I said goodbye to the special someone after a perfect trip without needing to ask for more than what was.  So not like me. Joyful surrender that was sweet and sad and so utterly perfect that it allowed me to be present and whole and trust in the unfolding. 

This more than anything is what I am learning about joyful surrender.  It isn’t so much about what is happening in the moment but how I feel when I walk away.  Each time I retained my inner peace and even felt expansion in some way.  I did not carry the anxiety, stress and fatigue of the fight to know and control.  There was no forced unclenching of the closed hand because I surrendered freely. This keeps me wanting more, safeguarding my inner peace is my highest priority. So I will continue to practice and learn what surrender has next in store for me.  Today I am grateful she is sharing the joy in surrendering with patience and humor.